Oral sex.
It’s a tricky old thing, isn't it?
Received wisdom says that men like blow jobs more than a unicorn made of chocolate on Christmas Day.
But do women like receiving head as much? Meh. Not if you keep ruining it by doing these annoying things.
1. Diving right down there
No, don’t worry, there’s no nerve endings at all in any other parts of my body. By all means zero straight in on my clitoris like a kitten on a laser pen.
2. The washing machine
That reminds me, I've still got to separate out the whites this evening.
3. Timing (part one)
It’s the day between showers and there are last-day-of-period brown globules down there. It’s your funeral.
4. Timing (part two)
I’m just back from the gym. Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a packet of ready salted crisps instead?
Packet of Crisps Your choice (Picture: Chris Dorney)
Packet of Crisps Your choice (Picture: Chris Dorney)
5. Timing (part three)
I’m just back from a girls’ night. I have been wearing skinny jeans and dancing non-stop for three hours. It’s like you've never heard of thrush.
6. Timing (part four)
I am just back from the salon. There is actual blood down there. Given this is partly for your benefit the least you can do is wait a day.
7. Timing (part five)
There is a LOT of actual blood down there.
While menstruation is nothing to be ashamed of and I appreciate the gesture, if I let you do this I will be forever wondering if you soon plan on filing your teeth into points and wearing yellow cat eye contacts.
8. THIGHS, man
Just stay on the thighs for at least 10 minutes.
9. The poke
I appreciate you trying to multitask, I really do. But my clitoris is actually outside my body, not a meter up inside.
10. The windscreen wiper
Look. I get it. Happy times for you involve a lot of repetition. Our bits aren’t like yours at all. Surprise!
If you base your technique on these you need to rethink things a bit
If you base your technique on these you need to rethink things a bit
11. The cutesy name
I know you name your penis but my vagina is called my vagina. Talking of any kind is at best risky and at worst vomit-inducing. It’s not going to reply, dude.
12. Offside
Maybe, when we've been together for five years, the spark has gone, we’re worried about losing one another to someone flirting at the office and things need livening up, MAYBE then you can put your tongue there. But not now, you lunatic.
13. The Arsenal
As in, you keep almost winning – then don’t.
Here’s a tip, as soon as I make any kind of positive sound please read this as ‘bloody hell, he’s finally doing something right, please, please don’t make any changes to exactly what you’re doing now’.
14. The vag to mouth kiss
Look. If you’re cool with me feeding you a mouthful of jizz after a blow job then I am totally cool with this.
The hand wipe’s pretty grim too.
Just toddle off to the bathroom like the rest of us after sex.
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